Mom Guilt Should Not Consume You, Here’s How to Fight It

It feels like being struck in the gut. Oh no, my kid is the slowest one on the soccer team. I should take her outside more. I should, I should, I should…

Mom guilt is this perpetual sadness that it seems no mom can avoid. We lay awake at night feeling guilty for losing our temper, skipping bedtime stories, or a myriad of other things rather than focusing on any of the things that we’ve done right that day. Mom guilt tells us that we aren’t enough, but that is a lie. And it’s a lie that you don’t have to believe.

The Weight of Mom Guilt

Motherhood is difficult. There are good days, and there are other days. There are times when you cherish your children, you look at them in utter disbelief that you could be so blessed, and there are other times when you would pay any amount of money just to be left alone so you could go to the bathroom in peace. 

We all know that what people put on social media is carefully curated to create the impression that they are living the perfect life. Very few in this life are willing to display their flaws and even those that do get to make the calculated decision about how many of their flaws they put on the internet.

I had a friend who admitted to me that her baby rolled off the bed, she felt so awful she barely knew what to do with herself. She seemed shocked when I told her that stuff happened to everyone. Ask any Mom and they have a story of a time they made a mistake with their baby. She looked at me and said, “Why does no one talk about it?”

So What Can We Do About It?

The problem is we end up comparing ourselves to perfection. We compare ourselves to the best of someone else’s day. We give our all and are utterly disappointed that we can’t give more. We put everyone else’s needs before our own. We think that everyone is doing way better than us and that it’s only our children who struggle this way.

Then we think about who will judge us for our children’s behavior. It’s embarrassing for the adults when the kids are having a temper tantrum, not the kids. Why is that? We own our kid’s behaviour, yet we do not have control over it. We can influence it, but at the end of the day they are human, and they can choose which path to take. 

I remember being a new stay-at-home mom, and just thinking “I wish someone were here to just tell me what to do, what is an appropriate amount of time to spend with my kid, what is a good expectation of what the house should look like, and what are my duties.” But I also realize that is the beauty of being a SAHM. No one outside my house can tell me what to do. I have to figure it out for myself. 

So can we just…. Stop? Stop comparing our bad days to someone else’s best. Stop the debates about food, diapers, and feeding, and cheer one another along as we struggle through motherhood and try not to screw up our children. 

The Bible Tells Us How to Fight Mom Guilt

Ultimately, the best way to fight this is to pray about it. The guilt is a form of anxiety. God says:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6

In this verse, God gives us a roadmap for how to handle our anxiety. It says, don’t be anxious, you need to pray about it, ask God to handle what you’re anxious about and be thankful while you’re doing it.

The real trick to this is the thanksgiving. Anxiety and Thanksgiving cannot live in the same space. If you are overly anxious, you are not overly thankful. If we take a second to breathe and think about what God has done and what He is actively doing in our lives, then we can gain a better perspective.

Indeed, I’m not a perfect Mom, but we can look at other aspects of our motherhood and our lives and see what God has given us to be thankful for. And perhaps the biggest blessing is that God is in ultimate control. He loves our kids more than we do, and He has a plan. A good plan. That is something that I’m very thankful for.

So when we boldly go to God about our guilt, He is the one that can help our kids, and help us. We have access to the one that can actually do something about the circumstances in our lives.

Practical Tips for Fighting Mom Guilt

While praying and reading your bible are the most important things you can do (in life generally) there are also some practical steps you can take that help you to fight the mom guilt battle in your mind.

Shift Your Perspective

Sometimes it helps us to think about the bigger picture. In a year, is this going to matter? Most likely you won’t even remember the incident.

in my house, we are big on “New Morning Mercies.” Every new day is a new opportunity to make the best of it.

Practice self-compassion

You know who’s perfect? Jesus. Do you know who you’re not? Jesus.

So why would you expect that you would be a perfect parent?

We need to have grace for ourselves, and stop expecting the world. We forgive because Christ first forgave us (Ephesians 4:32), and that extends to also forgiving yourself.

Christ forgives you when you are impatient, or selfish, or when you don’t make the right decision. Therefore He gives us the grace to be able to forgive ourselves.

Limit Comparisons

We all know social media isn’t a realistic representation of life, but somehow we forget and still end up comparing. Everyone is fighting some sort of battle, whether or not they share it with you. Also, remember that God gives different people different gifts, and God knew your gifts and would have the foresight to give you kids that suit your gifts.

Focus on the connection

What makes a good mom is a mom who tries. So try! Do an activity with your kid, and have intentional conversations. Your kids don’t need perfection, they need someone who tries.

Set Realistic Goals

If you aim too high you can easily feel like you’re never living up to your expectations. You are a mere mortal, you can only do so much in a day. It is very possible to burn yourself out packing everything into one day. Perhaps talk to your partner about what you can realistically accomplish in a day and what you should expect from yourself.

Make Time for Yourself

I know, I know. It feels impossible to do anything for yourself when there is so much to do. Or when you do make time for yourself you once again feel guilty. Well, stop it. The kids are important, the husband is important, but so are you. Make time to spend with the Lord, do something you enjoy or go talk to a friend. Try to find something that fulfils you. That’s the reason I started this blog, I needed an outlet, a way to use my brain that wasn’t about the best way to make a Play-Doh house.

Have an Attitude of Gratitude

Sometimes we have to look to the nitty gritty to try to find a way out of our heads. Do you have shelter? Praise God! Is there food in the fridge? Yay! Are your kids safe? Hallelujah! Do you serve a God who is in control? You bet!

Sometimes we have to say the good things out loud to remind ourselves that we have so much to be thankful for. And it’s a great exercise to try to teach our children too.

So, what are you thankful for? What good thing happened to you today?

Build a Village

A lot of us don’t have built-in villages anymore, so we have to make the effort to go find it. Unfortunately for us introverts this usually means that we have to make small talk. A village can be found online in Facebook groups, or TikTok comment sections. A village can be found at church with other moms who are in the thick of it. A village can be grandparents who are willing to give you a break.

Find some friends, and ideally a Titus 2 woman who has walked this road before and can tell you that everything will be alright and fervently pray for you and your family.

It can also be encouraging to be part of someone else’s village. Find a new mom who is struggling, tell her it gets better, and pray for her. We shouldn’t have to do this alone.

Mom guilt plagues us all, but we don’t have to dwell in that sadness. You are not defined by what you accomplish, what you do for your kids, or what the world thinks about you, you are defined by being a daughter of the King (Psalms 45:10). How God sees us is our true identity. God is our ultimate source of hope, so rely on Him every day, especially the days when it feels like there is no hope to be found. Take care of yourself and others, find practical ways that you can look to help others and lean on them when you feel like you can’t take it anymore.